I’ll start off easy for you guys, then we’ll end on a hard and strong note. First up: the jumpsuit of all jumpsuits. I was SO pleasantly surprised with how cute, pretty, or sexy this jumpsuit could be. I’ve styled it just a couple ways for summer, but I’ll show you guys as it gets cooler the fun ways to style a feminine pieces into something edgy-leather jacket and studded booties, classic-maybe paired with a blazer, chic-glitterati everything, etc. I dress for my mood, and no two days are the same. You’ve probably already noticed that I like to dress differently throughout my Instagram feed. It’s me; it’s my mood of the day, and I like it that way! But, I digress. This jumpsuit is under $25, and as I’ve said, it’s SO versatile and transitional through the seasons. Shop the look by clicking the pieces at the end of this post! Also, follow me on the LiketoKnow.It app (@closetconfidentialblog)
Now to the harder, deeper stuff. It’s no secret that I struggle with Lyme disease. Struggle is an understatement. At the risk of sounding redundant, I’ve had to quit my job, halt my social life, get married in a more unorthodox fashion, experience pain like no other, test more treatments than I care to remember to no avail, test the strength of my new marriage-you get the picture. It’s been hell. My family’s suffered; everyone around me has suffered. And you know what the potentially worst part is? I feel immense guilt for my disease. I feel guilt for everything I’m putting my loved ones through. The doctor’s appointments they go to, the chores they have to do for me, the financial burden they’re bearing, the complete dependence I’m heaving onto them. Do they complain? Absolutely not. They constantly remind me that “This is temporary; this is what family’s for; your only job or concern is to get better and not stress,” and they of course tell me how much they love me.
If that’s not all, my NEW husband has literally had to carry me up the stairs. He’s had to work to support us, then he comes home and takes care of all household duties. Not to mention that he’s trying to pursue a new career on top of everything that I feel like I’m putting him through. If I was ever unsure about this man’s character (which I wasn’t), there’s no denying how remarkable he is and how much he loves me. To be honest, all of that makes this even worse, oddly enough. Everyone’s so good to me that it makes me feel disgusting for what I’m putting them through, like I’m so unworthy of this love. That’s a really hard statement to feel and to say aloud. It fucking sucks! Excuse my language, but there’s no other honest way to put it.
All of this being said, I’m learning that there are really awful times that are testing me and will test me in the future. They’ll test my marriage, my faith, my finances, my fear that love may sometimes be conditional, etc.. However, it’s how you come out of the storm that defines us. I’ve wanted to give up SO many times. To be honest, my husband picked me up off the floor tonight while I hysterically sobbed about the pain, the frustration, the uncertainty, the two years of life I’ve wasted because of this disease. But, I’m a work in progress, and like my family has said, this too shall pass. On September 18, I’ll be having a port put in my chest (side note: it’s called a powerline, but I sound radioactive, so I refuse to call it that)! I’ll be on IV medications, with a nurse who comes to my home, etc. My life will get harder before it gets better. But, again, I’m learning that we have to get uncomfortable before we realize that we need to grow. We have to feel hurt before we can appreciate happiness. We have to be tested before we realize our true strength. Not everyday do I appreciate these words (obviously), but after my aforementioned breakdown, I feel like I can fight again. Shoutout to the hubs!!
We’ll all get knocked around; that’s just life. But, did we learn? Did we grow? If the answer is yes, then it was worth whatever we’ve gone through. If you have faith, a unwavering support system, and a will to throw one more punch, then you can overcome anything. Honestly, I think that’s life in a nutshell. The pretty doesn’t come without the ugly, and the good definitely doesn’t come without the bad. It’s all about how we react and recognize the process.
If you’re going through anything, or you’re just feeling like you’re kind of on life’s shit list, know you’re not alone. Our names are all on that list, but God’s plan outweighs any list, and his plan for you is far greater than you could ever imagine. With that, I’m thinking about all of you, and I hope you find solace in this post and a friend in me.
Thanks, as always, for sticking it out through these long posts. But, I don’t want my posts to just be vapid, surface level text. I want to be real, to share my pain, to empower myself and others. And with that, thank you for sharing some time with me in my closet. I’ll see you next time, loves!
XO,
Sarah
