I know it’s been a white since I’ve last written, and there’s a reason for that. Honestly, I’m tired. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of the fight, and wondering how much more fight is in me? I don’t want to sound miserably melodramatic, but it’s simply how I genuinely feel.
For the past ~two years, I’ve been dealing with crippling, overwhelming symptoms that we couldn’t define, we couldn’t put a label on them. I’ve had stints in the hospital, ER visits, a million appointments, hundreds of tests done, etc. I’ve seen countless professionals-many top in their field, but alas, I remained a medical enigma. I’ve lost my job, relationships, experiences, time, money, and the list goes on. How many times was I going to give the same excuse when I couldn’t make a girls night? How long will friends stick around when I can’t and don’t contribute to the relationship? I don’t blame anyone for losing touch with me or jumping ship before I inevitably sank and plunged towards the depths of the dark unknown. My entire engagement I was bedridden. Our wedding date was changed to accommodate me. My marriage has been tested over and over, but thankfully my husband is Thor among man. He’s truly my biggest fan, my rock, my everything. But, we have our days where this disease is just so tough on us that we both throw our hands in the air in a grand gesture of exhaustive frustration. I’m never alone from it-wherever I go, I feel like it’s a noose around my neck, toying with me-tightening or loosening without so much as a warning.
I have Lyme disease and varying co-infections. It’s unlike anything you’ve heard or read about. A doctor helped me define it about a year ago. Since then, I’ve been on almost every Lyme protocol to no avail. I’ve felt so low, so lonely, so misunderstood, so hurt, and so unconfident. What’s wrong with me? Why am I still in the same position without progress? Will I always be like this? I hope not. After a few meetings with a new doctor, I’m starting to believe, not just hope, that things will improve.
My story is a long one, but I’ve recited it in a past post, so I will spare you most of the painstaking details. In summary, my Lyme was caught in the advanced stages, so I experience neurological problems, heart problems, GI issues, profound muscle and join pain, acute fatigue, just to name a few. These issues are felt and experienced every. single. day. But, I stay hopeful, especially after my latest doctors appointment.
We’ve decided, after much deliberation and research, that infusion therapy is the best bet to get me on the path to remission. Infusion therapy is where a port is placed on your chest (same one as cancer patients receive) and all of your medications are then forth administered via IV. While this process is more invasive, maybe aggressive protocols are just what I need? It will be nine months with my port in, which feels like an eternity, but if relief is at the end of this train ride from Hell, then chew-chew, all aboard to remissionville!
God puts things in our paths that seem cruel, so evil, and apparently without reason. It feels like certain circumstances are mountains that you’re to cross, and you’re only given a minuscule walking stick as your guide. But, in those times of struggle, ultimate deflation of pride and control, where we’re at our lowest low, our breaking point, we turn to our faith and Jesus. And he answers. There’s something to be said about the power of unraveling oneself and the beauty of putting our broken and chipped pieces back together. Somehow those broken, chipped pieces provide a strength and resilience that you can only surmise as God’s love and grace. He has a plan, and he’s always in control. When we finally acknowledge and let go of the reigns, magic happens.
I’m not saying I’m without frustration, anger, or sadness. But, I am saying that there’s someone who’s willing and wanting to carry our baggage when life weakens us and we need a helping hand. This is what helps me deal with my frustration, with the sadness over lost time, with the loneliness of managing a nearly invisible disease.
Whether you’re dealing with disease, relational struggles, financial pain, or whatever, you’re not alone. Everyone has their cross to bear, and many days it’s so hard that we can’t see the good or growth that’s come of our circumstances. But, I DO believe that everything happens for a reason. I struggle with remembering this ALL THE TIME, but maybe as time goes it, it’ll get easier…maybe not? Perhaps I’ll always struggle with seeing the rainbow through the rain, but I’ll never stop trying 😉 And you shouldn’t either! Be the flower among the weeds; be the sun amidst the clouds. We are beautiful; we are capable, and we are ENOUGH!! I hope you love yourself today, tomorrow, and everyday after that, because we’re all worthy of love, healing, and grace. Happy Sunday, and please pray for this upcoming treatment for me! May this be the grain of rice that tips the scale in my favor! See you guys in my closet next time!
XO,
Sarah
